When talking to clients and people in general, I’ve noticed three fears that keep coming up.
These are beliefs that are held by us and they are a fear of not being good enough, a fear of not fitting in or being one of the group or tribe, and a fear of not being loved. These are very normal emotional feelings, we all have them and it would be unusual if we didn’t have one or all of them at some stage in our life.
What is important is how we view or look at these emotions which arise from our thoughts and the meaning we give to our experience of them. By that I mean it is possible to either feel inadequate, have poor self esteem or to be a victim of circumstances and start over thinking our response. This often leads to overwhelm or procrastination, both will cause us to become “stuck” and not do much telling ourselves it is too hard or it is uncomfortable.
We could also tell ourselves that on reflection, we have been able to achieve our goals and important milestones in our past and there’s no reason why we cannot do so again, in the future. We just need to find a big reason, a big audacious, hairy reason, WHY we want it AND NOTHING is going to get in our way.
Not being good enough is directly connected to events in our past, probably when we were a child and has continued with us into adulthood . It is sometimes associated with putting things off or procrastinating, which we do to avoid doing something which makes us uncomfortable. Now as an adult, we have a choice to decide, is this belief still helping us or is it not serving us anymore?
Low self worth leads to the situation where you feel you’re not fitting in or are part of the group or tribe. It’s really a perception based on a belief. It is possible to change this belief if you start to value yourself, your skills or knowledge, and your contribution.
If you take an interest in other people and wonder if they’re thinking the same you may find that you have common interests or can share experiences. Once you take an interest in them , you actually forget about your thoughts of playing small and you begin to find they are interested in what you are saying or doing.
To find love or share it, you must first of all feel it and immerse yourself in it. To do this , think of a time when you were loved, or in love. The person is with you and you can feel the warmth and the attention washing through you. Give it plenty of colour and size, and when it is intensified, anchor it by touching your finger and thumb. When you want to remember this feeling, touch your finger and thumb together, the same one . Repeat several times if necessary and it can become a resource for you to call on when you need it.
For a child being loved can be as simple as being cared for, being with and doing things together. As an adult you have a choice what you choose to focus on and the meaning you give to that experience. Humans crave to be appreciated and respected , so in order to have love we must BE and DO LOVE.
This means you have to take action and be responsible for this emotion to occur and be in your life. Often we take cues from our parents, teachers ,mentors or carers. We have to be responsible and take charge of our state ( emotional response) and our results because we have a choice to decide what we want more of and what we want less of in our lives.
So watch your language , be mindful of your self-talk and remember feel the fear, embrace it and if things look ok to you, go ahead and do what’s important to you anyway.